Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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