He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize