I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize