come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
