It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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