Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
