She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
