I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
