he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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