I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
