you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
