either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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