i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
