apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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