Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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