Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
