She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize