It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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