I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
