I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
