You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
