if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
