Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
