i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
