It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
