If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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