Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
