Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
