My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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