the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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