So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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