He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I love you. Go after that dick
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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