9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
