the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
