Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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