Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
