I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
