i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
