life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
