How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
