and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
