Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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