turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
