OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i came on her dog
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
