I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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