you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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