why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
