I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
