i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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