so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
