I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
