she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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