Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
