i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
