Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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