So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
