mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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