you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
