I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
