i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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