NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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