I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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