if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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