I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
