you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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